“This is not mean S****. This is fair do’s. What cunt commits suicide infront of a train? Surely if you seriously want to end your life, don’t think people care, just want to be out of everyone’s way… Then you do it quietly and out of the way but nooooo! You go piss us all off one last time by causing a ruckus!! Plus I’m pretty sure there are less painful way. Clown.”
As you can see folks, the world is slowly going mad. Maybe that long post about me being crazy wasn’t all that necessary, as bitchez be crazier than me!
Genuinely cannot believe what I'm reading. If that was me I'd be scarred for life! How sick can ya get? Glad you scrapped the bystander lark, you just don't behave like that. gal needs tellin'! x
AMEN! Thank god it’s not just me! Now my laptops finished it’s tasty reboot I’ll share with you the ‘wisdom’ of her friend… I would also like to add my future housemates have all sent me congratulatory texts. Aha. LOVE THEM x
just seen her status. what the actual hell? maybe she's a lovely person, i have no idea, but what an insensitive dick. and her friend's comment about them being a 'clown' for doing where it would affect people? do these people not understand anything? GOD i literally got so mad when i saw that i nearly pm'ed her. i can't even. gwewevmwbw.
I’m gonna post it on here, see what people make of it.
Just flicked on Facebook on my phone, as I normally do when I’m dozing a bit, to find the most ridonkulous status ever.
Some girl on my course is stuck at her local train station because of a suspected suicide - someone jumped literally before she got on the train. And she’s all ‘fucks sake thanks for fucking up everyone’s day’.
Are you kidding? If someone felt the need to throw themselves in front of a train I would think they’ve been suffering far more than a two hour wait at a station. How fucking insensitive. So selfish!! Get the fuck over it/grow up/ etc etc.
What is wrong with people? I’m sick of all the people like this. I’m also sick of people that just sit there and do nothing about it. I read something about the bystander effect before, and I’d like to not be one of those that ‘suffers from it’.
It takes a special kind of person to tell you you’re nuts, and not always in the good way, but that they’re there for you and think you’re great anyway. It also takes a special kind of person to tell you you’re nuts, not always in a good way, when they don’t care for you so much. It takes a really different special type of person too, to deny it, lying about it, falsely telling you that you’re not and then bursting with hate for how nuts you are later.
For all intents and purposes, I’m just a girl. Brown hair, hazel eyes, lady bits, periods, pmt, womb, sucker for love and mush related anything, cliche-ridden and hoping that someone thinks I’m beautiful. Y’know, average girl stuff. But under the dull everyday exterior, there’s something special in there… shame it’s not much of a prize.
I talk a lot. I say crazy stupid shit that makes some people laugh and makes other people cry. I guess I’ve been brought up to be a talker, and I’m good at it. Granted, I often ‘talk a lotta shit and it don’t mean nothin’, but not everything anyone says can be used for the greater good, and I do try and fill the gaps with deep and meaningfuls. Talking is kinda what makes me me; I find it surprisingly easy to strike up conversations with new people (99% of the time) and I can help people out just by talking them through tough situations sometimes… BUT, I also get into trouble with my verbal diarhhea. When I have a problem, particularly in relationships but with friendships too, I let it fester a bit, I let things build up, try and let them pass, but more often than not things just blow up into the extreme and I say a lot. I say a lot of things I do mean, a few things I don’t, and things that maybe don’t need to be said. This tends to confuse people because I occasionally make contradictory remarks that made more sense in my head before they came out of my mouth. This, I’ve discovered, drives people crazy. And by people I mean a few, one in particular at this very moment.
My feelings are a jumble. Ever since I can remember I’ve never been able to think straight and have a definite focus. I struggle with concentration, I get bored easily, and yet I manage to string things out enough for me to over think them. I’ve always had ifs or buts on the brain and other things conflicting my trail of thought - while writing this I’ve erased everything, restarted, reworded and even taken a 2 hour break in typing because I’ve gone on too large a tangent or something else has stolen my attention… but believe it or not right now, I’m plodding (at a rather glacial pace I know) towards the point. I think a lot of people with an artistic side are a bit of a jumble, but to what extent? It varies. So when I talk (me personally and others too perhaps) sometimes my jumble becomes a mumble and it’s misinterpreted. Or sometimes I just say stupid shit for some unknown reason, that’s interpreted exactly how I said it. Both conflicts of confusion result in discussions spiralling into all sorts of directions, covering areas that needn’t be uncovered/getting nasty/all sorts - you name it. This mix of feelings I believe is something to do with me being a bit… broken? Without looking for sympathy or boring you any further to death, generally speaking I’m stuck in a rut in all areas of my life at once and I just never realised and admitted to this being a problem. I don’t want to blow it up and exaggerate, because I don’t need to, I’m just a very lost little weird kid that needs to forge a sense of direction. I think that this lost feeling has an awful lot to do with the way I’ve dealt with things in the past and in the present.
So yesterday my ex popped up on chat, telling me to stick with uni, trying to reassure me it’d be fine, even though he doesn’t know the ins and outs of what I’m feeling. I didn’t lose it as such but I did freak a little, I think because he was acting rather similarly to the way he did when he comforted me when we were together and even though it was a little patronising in places, I know he meant well, he was being nice. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being nice at all. Over the years however I’ve somehow managed to convince myself that a lot of people I’ve loved or cared for had an agenda. I’ve been let down by a lot of people, and I know I’m not the only one (I have been selfish in thinking that I was once the only one, in a kind of ‘the world owes me’ fashion, and I really do hate that about myself) but it doesn’t make trusting someone’s sincerity any easier.
After this burst of sudden concern and advice I was pretty wound up - in my mind, it felt like I’d been dangled from a string for a long time, let go of and then caught, just before I hit the ground, all so that I didn’t forget who he was. This could seem logical, this could seem illogical - that is unfortunately how my mind has come to work and for that I’m sorry. I don’t know if I should apologise for the way I am because I don’t know if it’s something I let get out of control or something that just happened… Putting that aside, I went out on the lash with some of the greatest females Leeds has to offer, for very cheap drinks, the robot, the running man, a toilet bezzie and an offer of a date (surprising I know, especially when you see the state of me in the pictures!). I went out with no motive other than to get drunk and block feelings to be honest, but actually ended up having a fantastic time with people I love. I’d been cheered up.
Woke up this afternoon to an absolutely awful hangover, a sky high temperature and a tummy begging me to get it over with and just vomit (I didn’t, you may or may not be pleased to know!). Checked my phone to find some horrific messages and checked my facebook for some equally amazing photos - what can I say, £20 and a slice of my dignity well spent. When I was on twitter however I saw a comment about something that upset me. I’ll spare you details, but my ex posted something that I would’ve probably been quite angry about when we were together, but was instead just disappointed in this time around. I decided to ask him about it which was probably a major dick move, but I was curious and I made it clear that I thought he was better than that (even though it wasn’t my business). We’re both quite headstrong/stubborn characters, which often sparked fights from conversations previously and this in a way seemed to be no exception. We didn’t fight, but the discussion turned from Q&A to judgemental digs. I said things that were probably taken more harshly than intended, he got a little nasty and I realised maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. This then resulted in me being told I was annoying him, he was glad I wasn’t his problem anymore, a bitter/sarcastic ‘Bye!’ and him simply posting the word ‘Loco’ on twitter.
I think my first move to reply would’ve been better had I asked my question and left. Instead I replied to his reply and that was my fault… see, this talking malarky puts me in places where others fear to tread. I also think he was a bit of a dick about it, but I can’t really blame him. My first reaction to seeing the word ‘Loco’ was rage. I wanted to kick him really hard in the jinglys and tell him that I wasn’t. I then got upset because I realised how crazy and scary-bitch that would be. I then got even more upset because I realised that he was right. I am crazy. I am opinionated and I let my mouth run away with me at times. I have the tendency to stick my nose in where it’s not wanted. I get mad and think mad things and say things that are also from cloud cuckoo land. But I am also not a doormat. I never used to stand for things I didn’t believe and I never used to give up hope… until I became weaker somewhere down the line, somewhere I can’t find. I need to restart. I will not stand for less than I deserve. I will not admit defeat.
Hearing that I’m bonkers is nothing new to me. I’ve always known I was unstable, but I was hoping it was in an endearing way that other people had previously stated. My best friends have told me honestly when I’ve turned into a lunatic/psycho/bunny boiler and been unreasonable and I do love them for their honesty. But being told you’re crazy by someone that you adore, in the bad way and then for them to make it clear that that’s why you couldn’t work things out? That’s awful. A shot to the heart actually. I know I need to resolve many issues that I have with myself and trust and my stubborn nature and I know it more than ever now… I just wish it didn’t have to take more tears for me to realise.
One day, I hope that I can be on a happy level of insanity. I’ve never confessed to wanting to be normal, because that would be a lie. I’d like to have normal lungs sure, but my mind is precious. Who wants to be with just anyone anymore? People want excitement and something a little different - something refreshing to them, that makes them want to hold on and cherish and hopefully love. I hope that one day these wasted years of self loathing, inner mental torture and supposed ‘retribution’ can be used to my advantage or wiped away completely. I’ve been playing this game too long and I’ve only just realised that playing this way is not gonna win me the jackpot. The jackpot? Happiness, content, acceptance… and a life.
This is it. Either I turn my sands of bewilderment into pearls of wisdom, or I’m done. The only way is up. Or at least I hope that’s the case.
There is something very wrong about a woman trying to convince me her daughter’s a no good piece of shit, telling me the in depth details of her marriage and rumours that she’s conjured up to make herself feel better.
So, being the classy student that I am (hungover, procrastinating and forever down about the ‘shoulda woulda couldas’), I settled down with a delicious plate of spinach and ricotta tortellini, a glass of water and last night’s episode of skins.
Skins, despite it losing it’s edge over the last few series and it being about hipster teens that are desperate to be different to fit in (I know I know), it’s actually got an air of class about it. I think it’s the way it was made an the accents of supposed Bristolians that do it. Anyway, at the end of the day they’re just troubled teens who want to fall in love and fuck for lust, all at the same time.
Last night’s episode was about Nick (one of the less convincing characters, who actually doesn’t have a definitive character at all), his hippy-esque brother and the big old L-O-V-E. After there’s some drug taking and general debauchery, a dodgy beareded Russian and a massive hooha the episode ended in a first proper kiss, some ‘love making’ and a very smiley bloke. Now what bothers me about this is that the look he gave isn’t just a fantasy. In fairytales and stories of old there are fairies and dragons and things that have never been. But that look of total bliss because of the effect that someone has on you isn’t just that. It’s a monumental high from a look or a touch, and something that only Disney really knew how to explain to kids who had never felt it. It’s fucking annoying as fuck. I’ve had a few moments of serendipity throughout the years and one of them was getting to know the ins and outs of the last person I really truly got to know. It’s horrible to know that they gave you that feeling and they also gave you the total opposite sometimes. It’s horrible to know that you relate this feeling to a person and that it makes it difficult to picture this feeling with someone else. It’s a great shame, that’s what it is.
I apologise for being glum and repeating myself almost. Going through the rose tinted spectacles/on the road again phase. I want everyone to be happy and whatnot, I’m not THAT bitter. I’m just bitter enough that I don’t want people to be that… happy. Bastards.
I think this is possibly one of my favourite E.E. Cummings poems:
i love you much(most beautiful darling)
more than anyone on the earth and i
like you better than everything in the sky
-sunlight and singing welcome your coming
although winter may be everywhere
with such a silence and such a darkness
noone can quite begin to guess
(except my life)the true time of year-
and if what calls itself a world should have
the luck to hear such singing(or glimpse such
sunlight as will leap higher than high
through gayer than gayest someone's heart at your each
nearness)everyone certainly would(my
most beautiful darling)believe in nothing but love
Sobering up and remembering the general outline of the evening. Oh dear, drunken hoe. Danced like nobody was watching… and not necessarily in the good way. Should’ve probably punched a couple of people tonight, but I was too busy tottering and trying to keep an eye on my mate for that!
And there we have it. Pouring a premature mixer. Going out tonight with Ashley, even though I’m never normally up for it (or anything after a full day of lectures on a monday) and probably can’t afford it. But I NEED to do something or I’ll go crazy.
What is it with men and string? Letting you go after being twiddled around for a while and then grabbing you just before you drop, to remind you that they’re fine and to tell you that you’ll be ok eventually.
Why is it that a bloke can never fully just drop it? It’s like they NEED you to remember they still exist. You know full well I’ve not forgotten so please, let me. Cheers.
Like, I don’t want to be a bitter ex or anything, but there are lines and guides and rules and things about the way it goes. It was all good the other day, amicable and everything, and I don’t have a problem now - no hate or any of that crap… but you do actually have to let go before you can be friends. 4 days isn’t really letting go, that’s (as the kids would say) ‘beggin it’.
The doc fest, the canadian and the sneaky mini eggs that just 'crept into my basket'
So today I’ve had 6 hours worth of lectures, condensed into 5, that didn’t drag at all, for a change. I think it had something to do with the lively canadian fella we had presenting sheffield doc fest to us for the majority of it…
Sheffield doc fest is a critically acclaimed film festival that focuses on the wonder of documentary - feature length, 40-minute-film and shorts. We watched a couple of rather inspiring shorts while he talked through proceedings. 4 days, around 80 films, master classes, pitches, Q&As and an award for the best in show. Sounds exciting, full of promoters, distributers, and people interested in new talent. My main aim with film is to venture into fiction rather than documentary, but it’s a really interesting industry in itself, and it’s got me all hyped for the festival and the chance to network. It’s not a cheap date, but if I don’t go on holiday this year I’d definitely consider forking out £100 to go. It could give me a step in the right direction, you never know. Makes me feel positive. OR more positive at least.
Also had a chat about how I feel with Ashley, she’s begged me not to leave and to think about it so I’ve said I would… if we had 3 or 4 lectures a week like today’s it’d be far easier to stick it out. But we don’t, and that’s a shame.
After that we wandered to Sainsburys for a quick shop, ended up spending £20 more than planned. Whoops. So much for saving eh Emz…
"I’m sorry but the mini eggs just climbed in there. By themselves. When I wasn’t looking. Honest!"
Sudden rush of emotional BLAH, while watching The Oscars.
I would absolutely love to reach that level of success in the industry. I’d LOVE it. I’d work my arse to the bone to be something there y’know? I’d love to make something so beautiful and awe inspiring that it makes people question how they feel and what it means to them at the end of it. And I would love someone to say such wonderful things to me if they won an award, or if I won an award maybe, that I had supported them and helped them get there somehow. What an honour that would be.
Been hit by a sudden rush of intense feeling that it’d be a great shame if I wasn’t with someone who’d remember me during their acceptance of the highest order, in whatever it is they’ve achieved in their life, as someone that they’d want by their side for the rest of it. It’d be a great shame if I didn’t get to hold on to someone’s hand who wanted to support me during the moment of limbo, before the big decision, of whatever I want or do not want to hear in my life. And it’d be a great shame if I wasn’t lucky enough to be with someone who would be there, to appreciate our winnings - our winnings in our careers, the winnings of our children and the winnings of our life together.
Feeling all deep and meaningful after watching the speeches at The Oscars. Just picturing myself doing something wonderful and getting to that stage… however unlikely the feat is, I’d like to think I’m going to try enough to be able to say with conviction that I did just that. And I’d like to think that someone would be there to whisk me down the red carpet and to sit by my side while we watch the spectacle, the unfolding of an appreciation of an art that has made me laugh, made me cry and has made me want to be part of the magic.
Christopher Plummer - best speech of The Oscars tonight!
I’m a bit Oscar-happy tonight. Glued and tweeting about it like a mad woman.
I reckon Melissa McCarthy was robbed of the supporting role, I reckon Harry Potter was robbed of visual effects and make up and I’m unsure of the foreign film and documentary winners. But other than that, spectacular as usual. One day I’ll be there. ONE DAY.
It’s not something I normally do… I might have a glass with dinner when I go out sometimes, but normally I’m not fussed. But tonight… Just a cheeky bottle to myself maybe? Might help me sleep? That’s the theory. Haha.
You wait, fully trained alchi before you know it.
It sucks when you suddenly realise what you’re doing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and that you’ve failed yourself to a degree.
Almost positive (no pun intended) that I’ve got some form of depression. Waheyy.
I hate that. I hate the fact that I’m self labelling. As I said, there’s a massive stigma that comes with depression, that it’s something that makes you horrible to be around, or that you’re lame and are making it up, or that you’re simply seeking attention or just wanting someone to feel sorry for you. I don’t care for that. I don’t care for much anymore. And that’s generally the problem.
Doctors it is. Need to shed some light on this subject.
Just been reviewing my career options. After an extensive questionnaire, this is what I got
This description is a generalisation. If it rings true, you’ve found your career type.
You would most enjoy a career that allows you to meet new people. You would also be happiest in a career that allows you to be free and flexible, and allows you to be extremely creative. Some careers that would be perfect for you are:
i've read some of your post. you seem super optimistic in a different way but have you ever been diagnosed for depression. Since you want to stay in and just be alone more often? Not saying that ques depression but I feel an underlying tone of such
I haven’t actually been diagnosed with depression, but I’d like to see someone about it.
I’m not taking any offence to that by the way, thanks for pointing out kinda what I was seeing anyway. I’ve always been a people person, so to suddenly become a recluse with no drive for life screams depression to me :/
I hate the word depression. It has a stigma attached. People use it too fluidly, like it means nothing, when in fact it’s the negative definition of some people and shapes everything for them. I don’t want to use it unless someone can tell me it’s depression. Until then I’ll stick with unfulfilled and sad.